TEXAS - President Trump toured the migrant holding facilities for unaccompanied minors, stopping at one in Texas to tell the press all about his cost-saving measures. "We're serving kids thin gruel," he proclaimed as he pointed to a vat of the substance in the facility's cafeteria, "the thinnest. It's practically water. You'd get more nutrition from a bottle of Aquafina." Trump then explained how the money saved on feeding children would free up the budget for purchasing drones in case Iran shot down more.

Trump's happy mood was quickly dampened, though, when a small immigrant child approached Trump, held up his bowl, and said, "Please, sir, I want some more."

"MORE?!" Trump screamed, practically bursting with rage. "You greedy little child! This stuff costs two cents per bowl! If I give you all seconds, that could be up to two dollars wasted! I should box your ears!"

Trump was then told that was illegal, which enraged him further since, he said, as leader of the free world he should be able "to punch a child whenever I want." Trump then proceeded to chase the small, hungry child but accidentally slipped and fell into the vat of gruel, becoming stuck. The Secret Service had to carry him out, still stuck in the vat, and all the while he was yelling, "I'll get you kids! I'll get you all!"

Other than that, the tour was considered a big success.