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Politics
In Emergency Bill, House Dems Vote To Send More Fake Tears To Address Border Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency bill rushed to the House floor and passed Wednesday, House Democrats voted to send more fake tears to address the crisis on the southern border.

The bill authorizes Congress to send more representatives to the southern border to stage fake photo-ops where they appear to cry over mistreated immigrants.

"The best way to address a humanitarian crisis is to take a photo op showing how compassionate you are," said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Rather than trying to address the monetary needs of those trying to handle the flood of immigrants coming over the border, we will simply fly down there and cry, peeking to make sure the photographers are looking at us the whole time."

Though the two ladies have sometimes found themselves at odds over other policies, Nancy Pelosi agreed with Ocasio-Cortez's approach to the problem.

"You can't just spend your way out of a crisis like this---you have to virtue-signal your way out of it," Pelosi said.

The Senate is not expected to sign off on the bill, though Republican senators suggested they might be able to come to a compromise if they're allowed to commit millions more tears to abortion without doing anything to actually stop it.

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