NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning turn of events that seemed to bode well for his chances of reaching a favorable outcome, former President Donald Trump's hush money case has been reassigned to the Honorable Matt Walsh.
Though the unexpected change drew heavy criticism from Democrats, legal experts said it would significantly increase the possibility of Trump receiving a fair trial to have the popular conservative media personality and his beard presiding over the case.
"So much winning!" Trump said in remarks to the media outside the courthouse. "After all of these witch hunts from our totally rigged and unfair justice system, it's wonderful to finally have one of my cases decided by one of the greatest legal minds of all time, besides me, who has the greatest legal mind. I'm great with legal. With Matt deciding my case, we believe we are going to win, and win bigly."
Walsh vowed to serve as a fair and impartial judge for the case. "I'll call it right down the middle," he said in a statement following the announcement. "I appreciated what Trump did in office. I do not, however, appreciate people having affairs with adult film stars and paying them off to stay quiet. I mean, that's absolutely disgusting. It deserves the death penalty, really. But I promise not to allow my personal feelings to cloud my legal judgment in this matter, as I am completely incorruptible."
At publishing time, the court announced the case could be watched in its entirety on DailyWire+.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
