WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hostilities in the Middle East extended into a second month, White House sources confirmed that President Donald Trump had officially begun negotiating with Iranian leadership via Ouija board.
Despite wiping out a significant portion of Iran's military capabilities and leadership hierarchy, Trump sought to pursue new avenues toward a peaceful resolution to the conflict by reaching out to the deceased members of the ayatollah's regime.
"Do these things work? Someone told me they work," Trump reportedly said as his aides unboxed the popular party activity. "I've never used one before. Someone said you can use it to talk to dead people. I think that's a little weird, quite frankly. Weird to be talking to the dead people. But if it helps us get closer to finishing this war, I'll give it a try. Maybe they'll tell us what Hell is like, I don't know. Probably very hot."
As members of the administration coached President Trump on how to use the Ouija board, he was said to find it difficult to make out what the Iranians were saying. "Is that spelling something? What's that spelling? Is it Persian?" Trump was heard asking one of his advisors. "I can't tell if this thing is moving by itself or if Rubio is pushing it. Are you pushing it, Marco? Can it translate it into English? Ask them how hot it is there."
At publishing time, Trump had reportedly asked the Iranian leaders to make the Oval Office lights flicker if they were really talking to him.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
