WASHINGTON D.C. - After the release of the Mueller Report, which stated there was no evidence that President Donald Trump had committed a crime, Trump held an awards ceremony in which he gave away what he described as "the most prestigious award ever in all history" - the Presidential Medal of Not Committing Crimes. The recipient: himself.
"I am honored to give this award to me," Trump told the press and the one non-press member in attendance, Vice President Mike Pence, whom Trump stared at every so often to get him to clap. "This is only given to someone who, after a long and exhaustive investigation, was found to have not committed crimes and to be the most honest and law-abiding person ever."
Trump then went on to note that he is the only president to ever receive the award. "Does that mean all the other presidents colluded with Russia?" Trump asked. "Well, you can't know for sure. The only one you know for certain didn't is me, as the others have never been investigated."
The ceremony ended with Trump getting Pence to edit Trump's Wikipedia page so that his winning the medal is mentioned in the opening paragraph. He then had Pence edit Russia's page so the opening paragraph states that it is a country that Trump did not collude with.