WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump has announced that America will be reopening soon, and the occasion will be celebrated with an "insane" "once-in-a-lifetime" Grand Reopening Sale.

The grand reopening extravaganza will include 50% off all landmarks and monuments, in a bid to make back some of the trillions lost during the recession. 

"We've got monuments, we've got landmarks, we've got national parks -- and it's all going 50% off!" an animated Trump shouted during a commercial for the big event. "We're slashing prices all around the nation. Need to pick up a special something for that special someone? Why not come on down to the National Mall and get yourself a Lincoln Memorial for millions off the sticker price?"

"But wait! There's more! The first 100 shoppers will receive The Art of the Deal absolutely free! And every copy will be signed by yours truly! Whaaat? Why would I do something like this? Because I'm craaaaaazy!!!!"