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Trump Admits He Has No Idea Why Evangelicals Keep Supporting Him

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After CNN released a tape of a conversation between Donald Trump and lawyer Michael Cohen discussing how to pay off a Playboy model that might damage his presidential campaign, the President admitted he is “totally baffled” that evangelical support for him has held steady.

Trump offered his candid thoughts on Christians staying behind him despite revelation after revelation of his shady dealings and sordid past in a cabinet meeting Wednesday morning.

“I mean, I’m literally on tape discussing how to pay off a Playboy model I—ALLEGEDLY—had an affair with,” Trump said, shrugging and shaking his head. “I just can’t seem to make my numbers among evangelicals go down. Believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying everything I can. They just hang around. Sad!”

“What do I have to do, kill a guy?”

Trump also pointed to his policies, including destructive tariffs, federal bailouts for businesses harmed by those tariffs, massive federal spending and deficits, and provoking foreign leaders with unhinged Twitter rants. “All of this stuff and they don’t even blink.”

“I’ll give them that my Supreme Court picks haven’t been too bad. That’s true. I do have great Court nominees,” he added after listening to input from his cabinet members for several seconds. “But man, how much bad are they willing to put up with in order to get a little good? Baffling.”