WACO, TX — The household of a local family observed a solemn, hushed silence today as a trembling, reverent man carefully approached his pregnant wife and offered a humble sacrifice of chocolate.
The man paid close attention to adhere to all the prescribed, painstaking laws and regulations that apply to such a sacrifice to avoid evoking wrath from the powerful being as he slowly and cautiously entered her presence.
"O revered one, I humbly offer this meager gift to you, the Child Maker," the man whispered as he knelt down before her and raised the chocolate up while keeping his head bowed. "May you accept this simple offering from my hand and grant me favor this day."
The woman left the man sitting in awkward silence for what seemed like ages until she reached out and swiped the chocolate from his hands. "It has a pleasing aroma," she growled. "Have you brought the correct amount for your offering?"
"Yes. I brought you a Snickers bar and a bag of Reese's Eggs," the man replied without looking up.
"Fool!" the woman shouted. "I require two bags of Reese's Eggs! You must now bring an additional offering of a Ferrero Rocher tower without spot or blemish to absolve yourself of this trespass. If you fail to do so, you will be set aside for destruction."
At publishing time, the man had hurried off to Walgreens to procure the proper amount of chocolate to make an offering of appeasement to quell his pregnant wife's anger.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
