WORLD — A tragic new study has found that the vast majority of humanity - nearly 8 billion people - are not currently playing Square Enix's classic JRPG Chrono Trigger.
"Our study found that at any given moment, most people are at work, with their families, or out with friends, or even sleeping, and not experiencing the epic time-traveling tale of Crono and the gang as they try to stop Lavos from tearing apart the very fabric of reality," said researcher Dr. Gwynn MacFarley. "People are doing mundane office work, building things on construction sites, or just browsing social media on their iPhones, blissfully unaware of the fact that they could be playing Chrono Trigger right now."
The study concluded that humanity's overall happiness level would be much higher if people would just stop what they are doing and play the game, allowing them to experience its unique active battle system, engrossing story and characters, and charming music by Yasunori Mitsuda. But the troubling report indicates that even after the shocking findings, most people would go about their lives and not embark on Crono's epic journey across time and space to save the world.
"In fact, we found that billions have never even heard of Chrono Trigger. It's just really sad."
At publishing time, the study had found that you, the reader, are likely not even playing Chrono Trigger right now, and that you probably won't go and download it on your video game platform of choice and begin playing it immediately. Sad!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
