WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tragedy unfolded in the nation's capital again today, as multiple assassins attempting to kill President Donald Trump accidentally shot each other.
A pair of would-be killers suffered gunshot wounds after they both opened fire at the same time outside the White House complex, having failed to check beforehand about who was scheduled to be shooting at Trump when.
"It's heartbreaking," said local woman Gianna Miller. "This terrible catastrophe never needed to happen. All it would have taken was a quick phone call to say 'Hey, what time are you shooting Trump?' This was an entirely preventable calamity."
Shaken by the news, leftists vowed to create a shareable Google calendar for would-be Trump assassins to ensure that a similar incident never happens again. "We are working to create a sustainable community of Trump shooters," said local man Bennie Mathis. "This is a true grassroots effort that will ensure there is only one liberal at any given time firing a high-powered rifle at Secret Service. No one deserves to die while trying to kill the President."
At publishing time, would-be assassins had already been scheduled out to September as the available slots filled up quickly.
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