PHILADELPHIA, PA — Prominent theologians speculated the world may be on the cusp of a new outpouring of the Holy Spirit after President Joe Biden and Senator John Fetterman began speaking in unknown languages and tongues of fire came to rest on them during a joint public appearance.
"This may prove to be a modern-day Pentecost," said Rev. Brian Ross. "Though we don't have any reports of anyone in the crowd hearing words spoken in their own language, we are hopeful that the Holy Spirit descended on the event. If it wasn't the Holy Spirit, then we're all in serious trouble."
Biden and Fetterman both gave brief remarks, or so witnesses assumed. "At least we think they were saying words," said Jim O'Brien, who was present at the event. "No one could understand them, but it seemed different from the normal grunts and growls Senator Fetterman makes when he's not trying to speak. President Biden was definitely attempting to say something, though it was in a language that is not of this world."
Some people in the crowd were confused, others were horrified, and still, others had their faith strengthened. "The Spirit of the Lord can still move today!" shouted one charismatic believer. "I've met a lot of people who have the gift of tongues, but Biden and Fetterman put on a far more impressive display than any I've ever seen."
At publishing time, the nation's foremost theologians were still hard at work searching for anyone with the spiritual gift of interpretation to translate what Biden and Fetterman said.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
