TAMPA BAY, FL — In a moving press conference following a crushing loss to the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tom Brady said how thankful he was to have given up life with a supermodel wife and three beautiful children to lose in the first round of playoffs.
"Yeah, I may have lost my family and ruined my kids' lives, but I gained the ability to throw a leather ball at people and watch them catch it for another half of a season," said Brady. "I'm good at doing that ball-throwing thing. It makes me feel good. So fun. But now it looks like that's all over, so yeah, I dunno. I guess it was worth it. Yay!"
Sources close to the 5-time Superbowl MVP say Brady thoroughly enjoyed tacking a lackluster partial season onto the end of his epic career in exchange for his wife and kids. "Seriously — he's so, so, good at throwing that ball at people. Have you seen him?" said Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles. "When he throws it, people can catch it because his passes land in such close proximity to the people who want to catch them that they catch them with high regularity. It's amazing!"
"You simply can't put a price on something like that."
Sources further reported that Brady is hoping to give up his final chance to reunite with his wife and save his family in exchange for not making the playoffs next year.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: