Have you been wondering why so many people are suddenly collapsing? Well, it's definitely not in any way related to that one thing, that's for sure! The world's top experts have been hard at work studying what could cause this uptick in deaths.
Here's the most up-to-date list of everything that's causing everyone to suddenly die:
- Climate change: Starting with the most obvious here.
- Standing up too quickly: You have to stand up slower!
- Standing up too slowly: You have to stand up faster!
- Excitement from watching She-Hulk: Try pausing the show and slowly breathing into a paper bag to calm back down.
- Crushing grief about how tough things have been for Harry and Meghan lately: They've just been through so much. All they want is some privacy!
- Not enough bugs in your diet: You must eat ze bugs!
- Saying "love you" out of habit at the end of a phone call with your coworker: A moment of silence for these poor souls.
- Being misgendered: Millions die this way every day.
- Trying to hold it for the entire duration of Avatar 2: Bladder explosion has been linked to heart explosion.
- You're a Victorian-era damsel and a mouse scurries out in front of you: You're going to want to keep a fainting couch close by to cushion your fall.
- Heartbreak after hearing of Dr. Fauci's retirement: You can in fact die of a broken heart.
- Accidentally touching the Ark of the Covenant: Experts say this accounts for over half of myocarditis deaths.
- Having to use the gas station bathroom: Instant fatality!
- Someone dropped your favorite ring into the fires of Mount Doom: Nooooooooooo!
- Getting an experimental, untested substance injected into your body multiple times: Nah... couldn't be that.
Well, there you have it, everyone. Watch out for these, and stay safe out there!
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Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: