TAMPA, FL - Tom Brady announced his retirement this week after suddenly realizing he was playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, sources confirmed earlier today.
"Oh, man. What am I doing?" Brady said, suddenly snapping out of it. "I've been wearing a Buccs uniform this entire time? What have I been doing with my life?"
After taking some time to process his shock and horror, Brady somberly announced his retirement from the NFL.
"I'd like to thank my friends and family for intervening, pointing out that I'm playing for friggin' Tampa," Brady said in a press conference as cameras flashed all around him. "Without their help and support, there's no telling where I would have ended up."
He began sobbing. "I could have hit rock bottom. I could have ended up playing for the Raiders," he said through tears. "Put the cameras away. I... I just can't."
An embarrassed Brady immediately withdrew from public life, saying he plans on living quietly in the country so he doesn't have to face his millions of fans, all of whom saw him wearing a Buccaneers uniform.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.