WASHINGTON, DC — In a recent press conference, President Biden has confirmed that, rather than going to the trouble of building another temporary pier to provide humanitarian aid to Hamas, he will simply instruct the US military to dump $320 million of taxpayers' dollars into the ocean just off the coast of Gaza."
"You know that pier we built in Mexico, Jack?" Biden asked, addressing a packed crowd of journalists. "This time, we'll build it back better by just throwing it all into the Grszeioanejghew…PAUSE. If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for this plan or against it, then you ain't Palestinian."
Foreign policy analysts have hailed the plan as a time-saving, 4-D chess move that will prove much more efficient and just as effective as the original pier. "Why waste weeks of time and labor to build a temporary solution which will just get washed away in the next storm? It's absolutely brilliant," said CNN correspondent Jaklynn Robberts. "No more injured soldiers, no more trucks being stolen by Hamas or ships run aground on the beach in Gaza. Biden has done it again!"
At publishing time, Hamas had been seen training scuba divers to retrieve large pallets of cash from coastal waters.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
