ATLANTA, GA — To help improve the accuracy of calls on the field, the National Football League will now provide each referee with a seeing-eye dog.
"What'd you see, Fido? Bark twice if there was holding!" yelled Shawn Hochuli at his new service dog. "Good boy. Does the red team still have the ball? Oh crap, I forgot you're colorblind, Fido!"
The NFL made the move to provide service dogs as part of a concerted effort to raise the level of officiating. "We are really hoping to reach a point where at least occasionally, a call makes sense," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "It's a big ask of these canines to comprehend the intricacies of what's a 'rub route' and what's 'pass interference', but we feel confident they will be more accurate than our current system of a blind man taking a wild guess. Or, excuse me, a blind woman taking a wild guess."
Thus far, the seeing-eye dogs have been welcomed heartily by officials and players alike. "It's a massive improvement already," said Philadelphia quarterback Jalen Hurts. "The dogs at least guide the refs out of the way when play starts - and a couple of the smarter pups have already caught on to 'offsides', and other simple penalties. They've also eliminated those embarrassing moments when the poor referee does the whole penalty announcement facing the wrong direction. Visual impairment is tough, man."
At publishing time, Atlanta fans across the nation were reportedly screaming about how Fido is so unbelievably biased against the Falcons.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
