LUBBOCK, TX — Three hours and several cups of coffee later, Sarah Cochran deeply regretted asking her husband Mark why those little guys didn't just fly the eagles to Mordor.
"Okay, for starters, they aren't 'little guys'! They're HOBBITS!" said a visibly upset Mr. Cochran. "And like, that wouldn't even make sense! Did you not see the lidless eye?? It would have seen a bunch of giant eagles coming! You know what, let's just start from the beginning."
According to onlookers, Mr. Cochran initially began by recreating from memory a map of Middle Earth on a nearby napkin. "That guy...is pretty passionate about eagles," said nearby patron Steve Ridder. "Poor lady had no clue what she had gotten herself into. Still, it is a ridiculous question. I mean, the power of the ring was ultimately destroyed by Frodo's act of mercy, which never would have been possible without Gollum. Let me explain - do you have a few minutes?"
While generally a good sport about such tangents, Mrs. Cochran admitted she contemplated escaping to bathroom to pull a fire alarm. "Two hours in, I used the tablecloth to tie a tourniquet around my leg, just to feel something," said Mrs. Cochran. "By the third hour, I had lost all hope. I probably felt something like that little Fro-something and his friend when they had walked forever and like, they were still so far from Mount Boom. Ugh, I wish I could have called an eagle."
At publishing time, Mr. Cochran and Mr. Ridder were reportedly entering their seventh hour of discussion over what would have happened had Frodo attempted to remain in the Shire.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
