JERSEY SHORE, NJ — With a wedding hanging in the balance after running out of booze, Satan stepped up to miraculously turn water into Bud Light.
"Wow - thanks, Satan!" exclaimed the groom happily. "Can you pour a glass for the other groom?"
According to sources, the wedding guests asked Satan for some nice wine or whiskey, but he informed the crowd that all he could do was Bud Light. "You people forget, I can't make good things - I can only twist what's good into evil," explained the Devil. "Like I can put songs to autotune, or make Ryan Seacrest host a fun game show. Now, who's ready for a lukewarm Bud Light?"
The Father of lies was reportedly alerted to the drink shortage by a highly intoxicated bridesmaid named Ashley. "OMG, like I NEVER do this, but could you, like, buy me a drink?" Ashley asked the Lord of Darkness. "The way you're like surrounded by smoke and flames, you're like, so different from everyone else at this wedding. WAIT, they're out of drinks?? Get away from me, you creep!"
At publishing time, Satan had announced that if anyone was hungry, he could turn this basket of bread into some Taco Bell Volcano Tacos.
Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.