BURBANK, CA — After losing the box office battle to AngelStudios, Disney has announced a new movie project: Indiana Jones and the Plates of Nephi.
"Indiana Jones is about to go full Mormon," said Disney CEO Bob Iger. "If you can't beat them, join them."
According to sources at Disney, the film will follow Indiana Jones' spiritual awakening after a visit from LDS missionaries. "Indiana Jones is going to trade in his signature hat for a bicycle helmet," said Disney producer Lance McMillan. "After guiding a few teenagers through their Eagle Scout projects, Mr. Jones will set out on a daring quest to find the plates of Nephi - or the copies of the plates of Nephi - or whatever it is those Mormons are looking for."
Disney announced the new installment in the wake of yet another disappointing box office return from a strong franchise. "We got roasted by blonde Jesus," said Mr. Iger, staring at a picture of Jim Caviezel's glorious hair. "Maybe we can get Caviezel to play Indiana Jones! It would be kind of nice to have an action hero under the age of seventy, to be honest. Plus, look at that hair. Man, he's dreamy."
At publishing time, NBC News had already written forty-seven articles declaring the project a clear sign that QAnon had taken over Disney.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
