AMERICA — Across the nation, thousands of religious fanatics have once again gathered to worship teams of unusually large men trying to move a piece of leather.
"Never miss a Sunday," said Brad Larsen, taking his usual seat. "I've done my daily ESPN readings every morning this week and took time to iron my jersey so I'm at my Sunday best. I've even asked a couple neighbors to come join us, let them hear the good news of what Josh Allen has done for the Buffalo Bills."
Scholars say the zealotry of this particular religion is nearly unmatched in modern times. "It is so rare, looking throughout human history, to see congregants so consistently worshipping on Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays," said Religious Studies professor Lisa Miller. "These people are also known to undertake several unusual rituals, such as painting their bodies in preparation for worship and copying the clothing of their favorite deity. And their constant study of the faith, with the depth of knowledge they possess about the multitude of deities they believe in, is simply unmatched."
The rabid fundamentalist sect has become dominant in size and power, displaying remarkable levels of self-sacrifice for the cause. "These religious nuts give weekly offerings to the tune of billions of dollars," said anthropologist Dr. Gavin McDermott. "They have bred a legion of televangelists with 24/7 preaching, and their outreach is second to none. In addition to putting up places of worship across every town in the country, these extremists also suck people in with frequent informal worship gatherings in their own homes. Oh, they also really like beer."
According to sources, today's Sunday service is expected to be incredibly raucous and last about seven hours.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
