WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Biden administration will officially be supplying the toys for McDonald's new "Adult Happy Meals", which will reportedly consist of crack pipes and safe smoking kits.
The move came after Hunter had excitedly run to purchase his first "Adult Happy Meal", only to walk away deeply disappointed with the contents. "This...was not what I was hoping for here," said Hunter, glumly eating his cheeseburger. "I had my GoPro camera all set up to film and everything."
Although initially resistant to the idea, McDonald's quickly relented to Biden's offer. "We recognize that actual adults ordering a Happy Meal must be in a really, really dark place," said CEO Ronald McClain. "We initially planned to just include the Suicide Hotline number on the inside of every box, but we figure adding a safe way to smoke crack cocaine is a wise addition. I mean, you're already a fully-developed human being choosing to eat a Happy Meal. Might as well light up a couple rocks while you're at it."
McDonald's had initially conceived of the "Adult Happy Meal" as a joke, severely underestimating the number of grown men and women who are total masochists. "We have really been blown away by the response," said D.C. franchise manager Lori Marsh. "I don't know if it's all the confused perverts, or if there really are that many adults ready to fill their gullet with stuff that's scientifically proven to never biodegrade. Either way, it's a bit startling."
At publishing time, McDonald's announced to a grateful nation that everyone who purchased an "Adult Happy Meal" would automatically become ineligible to vote.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
