DURHAM, NC — Local man Jeremy Clams became bedridden Tuesday after a flu virus brutally assaulted his body with a sore throat, coughing, some body aches, and even a mild fever. "This is the worst pain any human has ever felt," he told his wife Sally, who previously pushed three whole children out of her body.
The comment reportedly led to a brief spat in which the suffering man edged precariously toward death's door.
According to witnesses, Sally Clams tried very hard to give her husband an out. "Shush now," she had said. "The fever's making you say dumb things."
"No, I mean it. No one in the entire world has suffered more than me," replied Jeremy. "Woe is meeeeeeee! Cough, cough!"
Sally, who had been lovingly rubbing his forehead with a cool towel to help his fever, rolled her eyes and left the room suddenly after dropping the wet towel flat on his face.
"Help! I'm being waterboarded!" Mr. Clams cried out. "Where is my wife? I need her to see how much pain I'm in!"
At publishing time, Jeremy Clams had recovered from the flu and was now spending his time reflecting on how close to death he had come. His wife isn't talking to him.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: