WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the presidential race entering its final few months, top Democratic officials decided to return to their tried and true game plan of hiding their candidate in the basement to avoid having any voters see them or hear them until after election day.
"They got you in here too, huh?" Biden was overheard saying to Harris. "They told me I should just stay in here. That was four years… four hundred billion… million billion… four… a long time ago. They said I could watch as many cartoons as I want down here and then when I came out of the basement, I would be president. Now I'm not going to be president anymore, but they told me to stay down here anyway. They've got somebody else now. A black gal… or Indian… or… anyway."
A source deep within the White House confirmed that Harris had been sent to the basement. "It's the only way we can really maintain control," the source said. "You've seen her do interviews, right? When she goes off-script, bad things happen. Just like Joe. So, with that in mind, we decided the best thing to do is just do what we did with him — lock her in the basement, keep her hidden, and let the media and celebrities do all the campaigning for her. Super brat, right? Did I use that word right?"
At publishing time, White House staff had been instructed to make sure the basement remained fully stocked with wine to keep the vice president comfortable.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
