Scholars Now Believe Jesus Fed The 5,000 With Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Breadsticks
Theology · Aug 19, 2022 ·

LONDON — Experts in attendance at Friday's International Conference on Metaphysics and Theology were wowed as a panel on Jesus' miracles concluded that the miracle of feeding 5,000 people with "five little loaves and two little fish" was made possible thanks to Olive Garden's famous never-ending breadsticks.

The new theological perspective reportedly comes after years of intense research and deliberation, says Dr. Samuel Andross of Dallas Theological Seminary.

"This miracle makes much more sense now," said Dr. Andross said.

During the panel, experts also claimed that the "two fish" were not miraculously multiplied but were likely "really big fish" that were filleted and dispersed among the people. There is currently a disagreement on whether the fish were great white sharks or possibly a pair of deformed Alaskan Salmon suffering from gigantism.

"They couldn't have been multiplied miraculously because Olive Garden does not offer an unlimited seafood option," clarified Dr. Adam Cheese, head theologian at the London School of Theology.

Conference visitors said the expert opinion on Jesus' miracle really made "the Bible come alive" because they also like Olive Garden breadsticks.

"Honestly, this helps my faith," said theological student Jeremiah Gunthrie. "Jesus magically making bread out of nothing seemed absurd. Access to an Olive Garden waitress makes way more sense. This new clarity is sure to resolve the apparent difficulties of millions."

"I love devoting lots of time and meditation to myths and endless genealogies which give rise to fascinating speculations on matters having nothing at all to do with salvation," he added.

At publishing time, Jesus' other miracle in which He fed 4,000 had been determined to have been performed with unlimited cheese toast from Sizzler.

Babylon Bee subscriber Uncle Rico contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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