CAMBRIDGE — A paper published by professors at the University of Cambridge affirmed a long-speculated theory about Heaven, that everyone gets their own G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier toy.
Theologians Dr. Thomas Berry and Dr. Arthur Channels argued in their 40-page report that the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier toy designated U.S.S. Flagg is "the coolest toy" and therefore an obvious perk for the saints in Heaven.
"The Bible itself tells us that we must store up for ourselves treasure in Heaven, it is only logical that such treasure comes in the form of the U.S.S. Flagg," the paper's abstract states. "It also follows that further heavenly treasures are likely accessories and action figures to pair with the spectacular sailing fortress."
The idea of a heavenly G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier was first proposed by Theodoret of Cyrus, a Syrian bishop, during the fifth century. He argued that Heaven must be so special a place that everyone would get a cool G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier and get to do battle against the other denizens of Heaven. In his treatise Counter-Statements to Cyril's 12 Anathemas, Theodoret wrote, "We on the contrary assert that the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier is awesome, but too expensive by earthly means. Only in Heaven can we benefit from it."
Not all theologians are on board, however, as some have suggested a working G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier in Heaven is far too materialistic a reward for people to look forward to. "Our body is described as an earthly tent by the Apostle Paul. Are we to believe we would throw off this temporary home for more of the same in Heaven?" argued Dr. Benjamin Guberfield. "As cool as the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier is, surely we have something far better waiting for us in Heaven."
Dr. Channels answered this argument while appearing on the Pints With Aquinas podcast. "Heaven is described as having streets of gold, something I would describe as the epitome of materialism. Clearly we cannot dismiss the U.S.S. Flagg on such grounds. It is the ultimate toy, the one thing everyone wants — it's obviously in Heaven."
At publishing time, Pope Leo proclaimed the U.S.S. Flagg as the ultimate heavenly possession, speaking ex-cathedra.
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