U.S. — After decades of discussion, theologians have confirmed that missing church is totally fine so long as it's for a kid's travel ball league.
While other reasons fell short of excusing church attendance, going to watch nine-year-olds hit a ball with a stick was deemed to be a perfectly valid reason for missing church as many weekends as desired.
"As long as it's for a sports game for children, it's perfectly fine to be absent from worshiping Jesus," said theologian Dr. Marvin Ryner. "God has no right to expect you to be in Church, but a travel ball coach does have every right to expect you to be at every single practice and game. Trust me -- God gets it."
While some theologians had argued that perhaps games could not be played on Sunday, those theologians' kids obviously weren't going to make the big leagues. "Your kid made travel ball. TRAVEL BALL," explained Ryner. "Only hundreds of thousands of kids have the opportunity to play travel baseball or soccer or basketball. Really, a huge deal. So, if the games are scheduled every Sunday, it's fine to just quit going to church. We have determined that taking your kid to go kick a ball towards a net absolutely takes precedence over consistently worshipping the Lord."
At publishing time, theologians had confirmed that kids who learn sports are more important than church will not have their spiritual life affected whatsoever.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
