HELL - In the interest of fairness and freedom of choice, Hell announced today that going forward, the wicked will be given the option of either going to Hell to burn where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, or going to some kid's birthday party and just standing around waiting for it to end for all eternity.

If they choose the latter option, unrepentant sinners under the condemnation of God will be sent to the birthday party of some kid they barely know. It will be a beautiful Saturday, perfect for golf, fishing, or doing some light yard work. But instead, they will be forced to just kinda stand there, sip some watered-down punch, make small talk with people they don't really know, and just wait for the thing to be over. Which it won't. Ever.

"Yeah actually, so far most people are just opting for the fires of eternal torment," said one demon, himself burning in hell for rebelling against the will of God. "I was thinking about transferring, but when I caught a glimpse of the birthday party, where there is absolutely nothing of interest for anyone over the age of five, and yet parents are expected to stand there forever, I decided the boiling lava pit isn't so bad."