Well, this can't be good: the coronavirus is spreading faster than support for socialism, and it's only slightly less deadly. It's important to take precautions to avoid both the coronavirus and socialism, so we've thrown together this little explainer to help you navigate this frightening potential pandemic. We asked for advice from a lady who sells essential oils at our church and a woman on Facebook who posts about "gut health" a lot, so you can be sure this is incredibly accurate.
What is the coronavirus?
An alt-right conspiracy theory invented by Russian hackers to distract us all from the historic impeachment proceedings.
How can I tell if I have the coronavirus?
Go to WebMD and search your symptoms. You probably have either the coronavirus or cancer.
How many calories does the coronavirus have?
Coronavirus Extra has 149 calories, while Coronavirus Light has only 99 calories with the same delicious symptoms.
Can anything kill the coronavirus?
Only a Dragon Uppercut (Shoryuken) if perfectly executed, but only experts should perform this move.
What can I do to prevent infection?
Buy a Babylon Bee hoodie.*
*Note: does not prevent the coronavirus but looks cool as you suffer the symptoms.
How should the coronavirus be treated?
With kindness and compassion. The coronavirus was raised in a biological warfare lab in China before escaping, and may not be familiar with your part of the world or western social norms, such as not causing people to puke their guts out and die.
What are research scientists doing to combat the spread of the coronavirus?
They’re creating what they’re calling the dextervirus -- a deadly virus that only kills other viruses. They assure us this can't backfire in any way.
Will the coronavirus affect the economy?
Yes, many fear the coronavirus will take away the jobs of many hardworking, locally made viruses.
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