The day you've all waited for is here! That's right, it's time for The Babylon Bee's annual list of the very best books of the year.
We know combing through Christian books is difficult, what with all the heresy and theology fluffier than a delicious pancake. That's why we're here: separating the wheat from the chaff so you don't have to. Here they are: the 10 best Christian books of 2018.
10.) Stop Browsing Facebook and Go Read A Friggin' Book You Morons - Karen Swallow Prior: Prior may be a little harsh here, but we like her overall message: log off Facebook and go read a friggin' book. Most of the book is written in all-caps as she yells at the reader to stop going on Twitter, Facebook, or other social networks and just read some classic literature. Point taken, Karen!
9.) Owning Your First Lib: A Newcomer's Guide to Lib Ownership - Ben Shapiro: OK, so Shapiro's not technically a Christian, but owning libs is definitely part of the Great Commission, so we're gonna count this. Shapiro's whip-smart rhetoric will help anyone who's new to lib ownership to treating their lib right.
8.) I Kissed I Kissed I Kissed I Kissed Dating Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye - Joshua Harris: While Harris' previous books, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I Kissed I Kissed Dating Goodbye Goodbye, and I Kissed I Kissed I Kissed Dating Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye were all excellent, he really topped himself this time. He makes an excellent case for Christians to let go of the outdated ideas in I Kissed I Kissed I Kissed Dating Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye and embrace God's grace instead. He's also got a new book slated for next year, but we bet you can figure out what the title is.
7.) Disruptive Baldness - Alan Noble: Noble makes a great case for Christians to live out their witness in a disruptive way, which is mostly just shaving your head bald and growing out a decent beard. We especially like the deluxe edition, which features inspiring photos of the bald author and a set of triple-bladed razors.
6.) Dropkicking a Child's Heart: No More Mr. Nice Guy - Paul David Tripp: Tripp's done some excellent work in grace-based parenting, but sometimes, that's not enough. Sometimes your child needs a good spiritual dropkick right in the heart. Tripp includes plenty of helpful tips for when you need to go all Super Saiyan on your children's little idol factories.
5.) Dude, Shave Your Face - By The Coalition of Calvinist Wives: A coalition of anonymous wives of Calvinists penned this collection of essays begging them to shave their faces. They say they'd begun to be concerned with the unruly growths on their husband's chins, as well as their obsession with dead theologians.
4.) This Book Has Colorful Balloons on the Cover so You Know It's Gonna Be Uplifting - Bob Goff: Everyone's favorite inspiring writer Bob Goff is cutting right to the chase: he acknowledges right up front that you're reading his book because it's got cute little balloons on the cover. Everyone loves balloons. Be uplifted as Goff tells you how to love people and also includes lots of pictures of balloons.
3.) How to Slap Shiplap On Literally Anything - by Chip & Joanna Gaines: It's a given that you've shiplapped a few walls in your home after binge-watching Fixer Upper. But now, Chip and Joanna Gaines teach us how to shiplap literally any surface. Your fireplace? Shiplap! Your car? Shiplap? Your cat? You guessed it: shiplap!
2.) The Benedict Option 2: Deep Space - Rod Dreher: Dreher made last year's list with his excellent cookbook, The Eggs Benedict Option. Well he's a repeat winner now, with his new book The Benedict Option 2: Deep Space making a great case for Christians blasting off into the black in order to avoid worldly influence. Space: the faithful frontier!
1.) The Art of the Deal - Donald Trump: The special anniversary edition of The Art of the Deal was the obvious choice for this year's number one Christian book. Trump effortlessly and colorfully tells Christians how to make good deals in order to gain political power. We're not worthy! We're scum!
Trump: Liar, Lunatic, or Lord? - Jerry Falwell, Jr.
Another Heretical Book with My Big Smiling Face on the Cover - Joel Osteen
The Prayer of Jay-Z - Jay-Z
How to Win Friends and Influence Elections - Vladimir Putin
This is Your Last Chance to Get It Together Before I Go Nuclear on You - Dave Ramsey
The Babylon Bee's How to Be a Perfect Christian. Intellectually inert and juvenile. A travesty of epic proportions. Definitely don't buy this one as a Christmas gift for your friends and family, and certainly don't buy it in bulk so we make a lot of money.