Brought to you by: Convoy of Hope
The seers at The Babylon Bee, authors of hundreds of now-fulfilled prophecies, have come together to bring you our 100% accurate predictions for 2026.
To verify our predictions, we hired a witch from the forest moon of Endor to summon the ghost of Samuel. He was a little cranky, but he told us it was all true. Behold!
January 1 - Ariana Grande makes New Year's resolution to lose 50 pounds.
January 6 - AOC attends her annual memorial.
January 29 - Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by The Coca-Cola Company.
January 30 - President Trump imposes tariffs on Australia unless they agree to relinquish the rights to Bluey.
February 2 - Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole and sees a vision of millions burning in flame, signaling the start of the thousand-year war.
February 6 - The Winter Olympics begin in Milan. Every other country surrenders immediately rather than face the superior physical skill and intellect of the United States.
February 19 - The Los Angeles Dodgers sign every single baseball player on planet earth, forcing all other teams to forfeit the season.
February 25 - Gavin Newsom secures trade deal with China for more hair gel.
March 13 - Chicago flooded after JB Pritzker accidentally falls into Lake Michigan during boat tour.
March 19 - Kamala Harris announces she will run for President of Smirnoff Bottling Co.
March 21 - Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by nanobots controlled by Elon Musk.
March 25 - Trump imposes tariffs on Minneapolis.
April 1 - Valve announces Half-Life 3.
April 4 - The Kansas City Chiefs trade Taylor Swift for Sydney Sweeney.
May 4 - Elon Musk fathers his 520th child. Musk declares the child "the chosen one," though it is unclear what this means. It's probably fine.
May 20 - Trump imposes tariffs on Canada after he runs out of maple syrup.
June 7 - Kids everywhere literally lose their minds over the date being 6-7, forcing Trump to deploy the National Guard and put a stop to what is later called the 6-7 Uprising.
June 17 - Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by Space Force.
June 27 - Canada euthanizes its last remaining citizen. The land is reclaimed by the Moose People of the Yukon.
June 29 - The United States organizes a coalition and launches a ground campaign in Canada.
July 2 - American forces march on Toronto, hoping to gain a strategic foothold against the Moose People.
July 10 - A 50-megaton nuclear bomb is dropped on Calgary.
July 14 - Remaining Moose People are rounded up and put on trial in the International Courts.
July 27 - Trump announces the founding of a brand-new country called America's Canada.
July 28 - Trump imposes tariffs on America's Canada.
August 8 - California catches on fire.
August 15 - James Cameron announces eight more Avatar sequels, causing the nation to go, "Oh yeah, Avatar existed."
August 22 - Trump imposes tariffs on California.
September 5 - Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by a Chinese man who tunneled through the earth from China.
September 11 - Zohran Mamdani announces a day of mourning for his aunt, who felt awkward wearing her hijab on the subway.
September 19 - Dick Van Dyke unlocks the secret of immortality and declares himself God Emperor. He later transforms into a sandworm.
October 3 - Joel Osteen accidentally mentions Jesus in a sermon, causing smoke to rise from his mullet.
October 11 - The Dome of the Rock is destroyed.
October 27 - The third Temple is built.
November 2 - Gavin Newsom prepares to leave Governor's Mansion and try out this homeless thing.
November 3 - Republicans begin to wonder if they were supposed to have done anything before midterm elections.
November 10 - Grand Theft Auto VI delayed another year.
November 28 - The last surviving Stranger Things actor dies at the ripe old age of 127.
November 30 - Benny Hinn taps into unnatural darkside abilities to keep people from dying.
December 12 - The Catholic and Orthodox churches merge, ending the Great Schism and forming the Super Catholic Friends Club.
December 18 - Dune: Part Three releases to worldwide acclaim. Trump calls it "way better than Casablanca."
December 19 - Trump resigns the presidency, realizing he would rather spend the remainder of his days running a meme page on Facebook.
December 25 - The nation agrees to a one-day truce to stop arguing online to instead celebrate the Incarnation [satire].
December 31 - Having witnessed all the events that happened this year, Jesus returns in judgment.
Looks like 2026 is going to be a banger. What future event excites you most? Let us know in the comments.
Not Satire: Urgent Christmas Need!
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Trump sings your favorite Christmas songs!
