The fate of the world was left hanging in the balance when Starbucks employees went on strike, holding the company over the proverbial barrel with a long list of demands. The willingness of Starbucks management to give in could very well determine the survival of human civilization.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of demands made by the Starbucks employee union:
Must be allowed to work from home: It's not unreasonable to ask all customers to drive to the baristas' homes for their coffee.
Up to 375 sick days per year: They just want to be treated with decency.
Land acknowledgment printed on all cups: To be read out loud when calling customer names.
Increase break time to 3 hours for every 30 minutes of work: No one should be treated like a slave.
Six months of maternity leave for all male employees who give birth: Fair is fair.
Right to deny service to any white heterosexual customers: Or at least throw their coffee in their faces.
All gender studies college debt must be paid by the company: It's only right.
No one has to work if they aren't feeling the vibe that day: Making someone work without feeling the vibe is, like, not OK.
Finally get some decent coffee in the employee break room: As long as it isn't from Starbucks.
Employee uniforms will now include a keffiyeh: And paid leave for all Free Palestine rallies.
Perfectly acceptable and not at all outlandish requests. What else should Starbucks employees ask for? Put your ideas in the comments.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
