WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions stemming from the ongoing negotiations between Russia and Ukraine to bring the years-long war to an end threatened to boil over once again, as President Donald Trump responded to Vladimir Putin's charge of him being emotional with an all-caps social media post.
After the Russian president publicly speculated that his American counterpart was responding too emotionally, Trump posted a scathing denial on social media in all capital letters to inform Putin of just how off-base he was.
"ABSOLUTELY FALSE AND A COMPLETELY STUPID THING TO SAY," Trump's message began. "IF CRAZY PUTIN THINKS I AM BEING EMOTIONAL, HE'S GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. I AM NOT BEING EMOTIONAL, AND IF HE THINKS I AM, THEN HE'S A BIGGER MORON THAN I EVER EXPECTED. HE'S ALSO A TOTAL CHROME DOME WHO WISHES HE COULD HAVE MY HAIR. SAD! MAYBE A VISIT FROM SOME STEALTH BOMBERS WILL SHOW HIM HOW CALM AND NON-EMOTIONAL I AM. BAD IDEA, PUTIN. NOT SMART!"
"I'M NOT EMOTIONAL," he concluded.
White House aides reportedly talked President Trump out of responding with a large-scale invasion of Russia to prove to Putin that he was not responding emotionally. They were unsuccessful in steering him away from increasing tariffs on all Russian imports to 800%. "He said this was something he planned all along," one insider said. "He said there wasn't anything emotional about it."
At publishing time, sources said that President Trump had last been seen writing "HOW'S THIS FOR EMOTIONAL?" with a Sharpie marker on bombs before ordering preparations to be made for an airstrike on Moscow.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
