AUSTIN, TX—A number of Texans have grown concerned with the direction the nation is heading, and they are beginning to wonder if they can even get along with the rest of the country anymore. This has caused them to take the unusual step of having a vote on whether to force all other states to secede from the United States of America.
“Texas is the best part of America,” said “Tex” Stubblefield, a Texan who organized the vote. “If there is any sort of national divorce, we should keep it. So maybe it’s time to kick out all them other states since we ain’t cottonin' to ‘em no more. Yee-haw!”
If the measure passes, Texans plan to then go to all the other states and fire their many many guns in the air while yelling, “Git!” until the other states drop out of the union. Texas will then put the nation’s capital somewhere more sensible, like Lubbock.
Not all Texans support this idea. “Don’t seem neighborly,” said “Tex” Conklin, another Texan. “Plus, I don’t think we gots to kick out all the states. Like, I ain’t got nut’n against Idaho. Maybe we just kick out California.” He and every Texan within earshot then spit at the mention of that name.