U.S. — In defiance of federal directives, the Texas National Guard has bolstered security at the southern border with the strategic deployment of giant sandworms that swim underneath the desert sand and swallow up approaching immigrant caravans.

"The southern border is now impenetrable," said Major General Stephen Muad'Dib. "And because the sandworms generate a resource called Spice, it attracts criminal drug cartels like moths to a flame. We expect the war on drugs to be over in a matter of weeks."

Also known as Shai-Hulud, the sandworms are native to the desert planet of Arrakis. They are attracted to sound, making the entire border region an inhospitable place for Mexicans and Texans alike. As such, President Biden has accused Texas of violating human rights concerns in their quest to completely lock down the US-Mexico border.

"Can we go back to approving a border wall? Giant sandworms seem like an overreaction," said President Biden.

Texas Governor Greg Abbot, eyes glowing blue as a side effect of the heavy spice in the region, reportedly refused the President's compromise.

"The spice must flow," he said.

At publishing time, all immigration — legal and illegal — had dropped 100%. Also, there is no longer a border wall because the sandworms have swallowed it along with the city of El Paso.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.