HOUSTON, TX — Representatives for Wells Fargo explained to local customer Jim Stephens that they did give all of the money in his checking account to a random hobo, but the company would make things right by coming to Jim's house to murder him and his family.
Stephens had logged into his online banking account in the morning, only to discover that all of their family's savings had suddenly disappeared. Stephens immediately called the Wells Fargo fraud department, who gently informed Stephens that they had decided to give his money to a hobo named Frank.
"Yes, we understand that you didn't give us permission to give your money to Frank," explained Wells Fargo representative Alex Gabbert. "Frankly, Jim, we don't care. We'll do whatever we darn well please with your money. That hobo Frank seemed nice, a lot nicer than you, Jim - calling all upset like this. But, I'll tell you what. How about we make it up to you by driving over to your house and murdering you? How does that sound, Jim?"
Stephens attempted to explain that he did not want to be murdered, but instead would just like the money back that he gave to Wells Fargo for safekeeping. "Oh, Jim. You're a bit slow on the uptake, you know that?" sighed Gabbert. "Let me break it down more simply for the short bus folks here. You gave your money to us to keep safe. We gave a bunch of it to a hobo, took the rest, and lit it on fire just to see if the fire looked green. To ease the blow, I will come over to your residence and personally end your life. Capiche?"
At publishing time, Wells Fargo had taken out a home equity loan on Stephens' house, dumped the cash into a harbor, and shot Stephens' dog as recompense.
The Babylon Bee finally exposes everything about the Jews in this documentary of hard-hitting investigative journalism.
