DENVER, CO — A 14-year-old boy complained this week about a lack of food in his house, directly after he consumed every last crumb and calorie on the premises.
"I *shmrawg* wonder *gulp* where all the *grawp* food in the *brawp* house went," teenager Eli Garder told reporters between bites of Totino's pizza bites, Top Ramen, three bowls of Honey Bunches of Oats and a pile of nachos. "Mom *mrunchmrunch* just went to the *gurggrawple* store yesterday."
Eli's parents said they filled a flatbed trailer with food less than 24 hours earlier but most of it was gone before it made it into the house.
"He met us in the driveway and ate an entire pack of grapes, eight cheese sticks, and a carton of chip dip before we could unload it and bring it in," Eli's mother Rachel commented. "I try to buy healthy food so he gets some good stuff in there too, but yesterday I caught him eating the packaging the granola came in!"
Eli asked his mom if she could run to the store that evening and grab a few things for the next day. His list extended out the back door onto the lawn.
"I don't know where he puts it all," Rachel said. "He's got a hollow leg. It could have something to do with the fact that he grew three inches just last week. I feel like we're feeding a human vacuum cleaner."
At publishing time, the family had been forced to take out a line of credit against their home to pay for next week's groceries.
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