WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Supreme Court is reorganizing its docket so it can rule on an affirmative action case before a new affirmative action justice is appointed. President Joe Biden, who has pledged to appoint a black woman to the court, will be forced to nominate a justice on pure merit if SCOTUS rules affirmative action to be unconstitutional.
"It is unconstitutional," said Chief Justice John Roberts. "I mean, I'm not supposed to talk about this sort of thing before we actually hear arguments, but come on. I mean, seriously, you guys."
"Affirmative action served a purpose as America dissolved segregation but it's woefully out of date," he continued. "At this rate, we'll be stuck with a bunch of Sotomayors. For God's sake, I am not a babysitter!"
The court will increase its caseload, skipping lunches to squeeze them all in before Biden's nomination is confirmed. Everyone other than Sotomayor agrees affirmative action is an important topic.
"But how people get job?" Sotomayor asked her colleagues without further elaboration.
Legal experts believe affirmative action will be blocked by the court when it hears the case in the coming weeks. However, if arguments run long, Biden may sneak in a new justice based solely on skin color and gender that cannot be removed for the rest of her life.
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