LOS ANGELES, CA - As the Super Bowl approaches, Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has instituted a citywide "hold-your-breath" order to keep people safe during the big game.
"As I said earlier this week when reporters asked me why I wasn't wearing a mask at the NFC Championship game, I was holding my breath, so it was ok," said the Mayor to reporters. "There is a zero percent chance of infection if you're holding your breath. That's just science. That's why today I'm issuing a 'hold-your-breath' mandate. If everyone just holds their breath for 15 days, we'll get through this thing. We're all in this together!"
"Now 3... 2... 1... HOLD YOUR BREATH!"
At Mayor Garcetti's order, all the journalists at the press conference took a deep breath and held it until they all turned blue and passed out, leaving only Mayor Garcetti standing.
When asked later why he hadn't followed his own order to stop breathing, Garcetti told the press he had been wearing a mask, so it was ok.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.