U.S. — Is this the next pandemic? Health experts claim that a sudden, unexpected illness is expected to cause many American employees to stay home, some for a week or more, on May 12, 2023.
"All indicators suggest that millions of Americans will be calling into work sick with a mysterious illness that exact day," said Dr. Fred Hollister. "It's baffling. We haven't seen anything like this since the unexplained plague of November 9, 2004, or the sudden wave of 'I think I'm coming down with something, boss' that smashed businesses' productivity on January 31, 2008."
According to experts, these sudden spikes in workers calling in sick are totally unaccounted for, with researchers desperately trying to figure out the reason behind the unexplained wave of people calling into work all on the same, seemingly arbitrary date.
"It's like something out of legend," said Hollister. "But we're on a mission - a quest, if you will - to look across history and through time and figure out what exactly the link between May 12 and everyone calling into work is."
At publishing time, Dr. Hollister had confirmed that he too was feeling a "little tickle in the throat" and would probably be absent from work on May 12.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: