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Study Finds Avoiding Red Meat May Lead To Longer, More Miserable Life

U.S.—A new study suggests that avoiding red meat may lead to a longer, more miserable life.

The study found that by carefully avoiding bacon, carne asada, chicken-fried steak, hamburgers, brisket, tri-tip, tomahawk steak, and filet mignon, you might be able to eke another year or two out of your pointless existence. 

"You might live a little longer, maybe," said one study intern. "Of course, then you'll be eating salad, kale, vegetables, fruits, and generally just hating life. So yeah, it's kind of a lose-lose."

Careful research showed that those who spent every waking moment trying to avoid the temptation to bite into a delicious bone-in ribeye could gain a few months of life, but they would pretty much hate those extra months of life, as well as the rest of their life, because they weren't eating red meat.

One man in the study, John Alpers, died at the ripe old age of 80 after avoiding red meat his entire life. His last words were, "Life is awful."

Another man in the control group, Lyle Manning, died at the age of 79 while eating a plate of bacon. His last words were, "I've lived a full life, and now I'm ready to go to the eternal meat-filled potluck in the sky."

Experts are recommending that if you want to live a melancholy existence full of existential dread and unfulfillment, go ahead and avoid red meat so you can go on existing a little bit longer.

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