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Study Confirms You Are Most Oppressed Person On Planet

U.S.—A new study surveyed everyone on planet earth and found that of all the 7.7 billion people on the planet, you are definitely the most oppressed one.

The study confirmed that no one else has it worse than you, that everyone else has tons of privilege and you do not, and that the injustices you face are far worse than those faced by all the other people on earth.

"I mean, let's just look at the facts here," said Dr. Bill Lendenhaven, head researcher for this scientific study. "Some people have more money than you. Some people have a better smartphone than you. Some people even have a bigger house than you. You really are the unluckiest person ever to walk the face of the earth."

Lendenhaven pointed out that sometimes, other people get lucky breaks, like having rich parents or making a well-connected friend. "That's just not fair," he said, shaking his fist at the sky. "I mean, you obviously deserve so much better than you got. It's not as though every day is a gift and every breath new mercy from God or anything like that."

"You deserve to have all the things you're mad at other people for having," he added, patting you on the back and handing you a tissue.

The study concluded that you should demand the government make you less oppressed by oppressing those more privileged than you (which, if you've been tracking, is everyone).

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