Students Across America Excited To Finally Return To In-Person Indoctrination
Sponsored

Brought to you by:


With the fall semester beginning in just a few days, college students across the country are looking forward to ditching the Zoom call classes to be brainwashed in person instead.

"It's been a tough year," said incoming second-year student Timmy Soyberg. "Indoctrination over online classes just isn't the same as being indoctrinated in a real classroom in front of a flesh-and-blood, tenured indoctrinator. I can't wait!" 

Millions of students are preparing for the big day by buying extra masks, paying their parking fee, paying their meal fee, paying their supply fee, paying their textbook fee, paying for room and board, and then shelling out $30,000 of borrowed cash for the first semester of their indoctrination year.

"This is a welcome return for students," said Billy-Bob Smith, local farmer and education expert. "In return, the students will have the joy of sitting in a real live classroom as the professor empties their minds and souls of all reason and virtue to teach them how to deconstruct everything good in this world to replace it with pure, unadulterated rage and radical ideology before shoving them out into a cold, cruel world completely unprepared for what they'll face... what was I talking about again?"

"Oh yeah-- welcome back to school, kids!" 

Schools have confirmed they will also be adding a $5,000 "in-person" fee for anyone attending classes in person.


NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing startup. The program offers a direct route into entrepreneurial careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Praxis is a fully-remote program, and will never mandate masks or vaccines.

Babylon Bee readers can earn a $1,000 tuition scholarship to a 2021 cohort and join hundreds of successful college opt-outs.

Click here for more information on the program and this limited-time scholarship offer.

There are 175 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.