MENIFEE, CA — Local straight man, husband, and father of three Lyle Flann locked himself in his room to secretly enjoy Pitch Perfect again, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Making sure his wife wasn't home and his kids were busy playing Minecraft, Flann quietly closed the door to his bedroom, locked it tight, and fired up the a cappella jukebox film for the seventh time this month.
"'I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes and I am happy now...'" Flann began singing along with the Barden Bellas' opening number at the International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella Finals, right before Aubrey vomits all over the front row, ruining the Bellas' chances of winning once again.
"Hehe, classic," he muttered, his eyes fixed on the screen as he watched Beca's journey from outcast to star mashup composer for the university's singing group. From his favorite scene, the Riff-Off, to the epic medley winning the Bellas the championship, Flann sang along with every word and even rewound a few scenes to watch them again, such as the part where Fat Amy gets hit by a burrito. "Classic Fat Amy," he muttered to himself. "Such a card."
Tears welled up in his eyes at the Bellas' victory, and he sang every note right along with them, sharing in their triumph. "'Seems like everybody's got a price, I wonder how they sleep at night...'" He lifted his fist into the air along with Beca and Jesse as "Don't You (Forget About Me)" blasted from the speakers. "I know they're gonna win, of course, every time I watch the movie," he told reporters on condition of anonymity. "But it still gets you every time."
At publishing time, his wife had knocked on the bedroom door to ask what he was doing. "Uh... nothing... nothing weird! Just, uh, drinking a Bud Light and watching the Dodgers game!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
