KANSAS CITY, MO — A local man felt discouraged this morning during his daily weigh-in after discovering every calorie he burned competing in a triathlon yesterday was gained back by taking one bite of a donut.
"Are you kidding me?!" Ben Casey exclaimed after stepping on the scale. "I crushed that triathlon yesterday! I was pushing hard all day, sweating buckets! How did I not lose any weight? I've been so committed with my training and diet!"
It then dawned on him that, following his crowning fitness achievement, he stopped by Lamar's Donuts for a celebratory glazed donut. Limiting himself to a single bite to avoid destroying his macros for the day, he felt confident that he was still on track to meet his weight loss goal for the month. Unbeknownst to him at the time, the single bite of donut immediately resulted in regaining every single calorie lost in the challenging physical competition.
"One bite of a donut — or any enjoyable food, for that matter — is roughly the equivalent of an entire month of healthy eating," said Dr. Johan Von Hankerschmidt, nutritional scientist. "In order to lose weight, an individual must eat nothing that tastes good. In short, staying in good shape — the key to a long life — requires a life of endless misery."
At publishing time, Ben Casey was already back in his basement gym, embarking on a grueling 8-hour workout in an attempt to burn off the caloric tidal wave that resulted from making the horrible mistake of eating something enjoyable.
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