SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to smooth things over with the Jewish community after baristas voiced support for Hamas, coffee giant Starbucks has begun to give Jewish customers a little something extra by placing a yellow star sticker on their coffee cups.
"We value our Jewish customers and want everyone to know exactly who they are," said Starbucks spokesperson Dan Spivey. "We don't want any of our customers to feel alienated or discriminated against, so we're placing these yellow stars on the cups of our Jewish customers to make sure they are fully recognized."
Jewish groups had called for a boycott of Starbucks after the union that represents many baristas made posts on social media expressing solidarity with Palestinians in the days following attacks on Jewish civilians by the terrorist organization Hamas. Starbucks was quick to distance itself from the union. "We would never want to be a part of anything that divisive," Spivey said. "Starbucks has long prided itself in being completely apolitical. We have never given in to radical progressive causes or anything like that before."
Spivey said the company hopes placing identifying yellow stars on the cups of Jewish customers will lead to positive things. "If you see someone out there with a Starbucks cup that has a yellow star on it — say something polite, like ‘Hello, Jew!'" he said. "They'll definitely feel loved."
At publishing time, Starbucks was also reportedly planning to tattoo serial numbers on the arms of Jewish customers in lieu of providing them with a Starbucks Rewards card.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.