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Starbucks Unveils New Satanic Holiday Cups

SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks Corporation has unveiled its annual holiday design for the 2017 Christmas season, and it features a prominent inverted Satanic pentacle.

“It is our company’s mission to destroy Christianity,” Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said in a press conference as he showed off the new design. “We would like to see the dark lord Satan’s designs for this nation carried out, beginning with a holiday cup proclaiming our allegiance to the Prince of Darkness.”

“All hail Lucifer! All hail Lucifer!” Schultz declared, chanting in unison with Starbucks employees gathered at the press event.

Christian groups expressed concern over the new design, but many believers were reportedly relieved that Starbucks was not promoting something like unity or tolerance with this year’s cup design.

Schultz ended the press conference by announcing that variant designs would be introduced throughout the holiday season depicting the number of the beast as well as quotes from prominent atheists and other anti-Christian personalities.

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