SEATTLE, WA—Responding to high demand from the 18-45-year-old Caucasian female demographic, Starbucks has kicked off its annual pumpkin spice season with a new shot of the flavor in a handy syringe, so you can just inject it directly into your bloodstream.
The shots come in sizes ranging from tall (meaning small), grande (meaning medium), to maximum strength, which will very nearly kill you with the amount of pumpkin spice coursing through your veins.
“Women coming to our shops just can’t get enough pumpkin spice,” said a Starbucks rep. “They’ll drink pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice frapps, pumpkin spice cappuccinos, you name it. The demand is so great, we finally realized what these ladies really wanted: a pure pumpkin spice high you can only get from direct injection.”
“Tie your arm up with a scarf or USB charging cord, stick the spice right into your veins, and prepare for a high unlike any other,” he added. Starbucks did warn, however, that frequent use of the spice can have side effects like heightened awareness, the ability to see the future, glowing eyes, and delusional messianic tendencies. Sudden withdrawal from the spice can be fatal.
At publishing time, Starbucks had confirmed that next season a snortable pumpkin spice powder will be available.