SEATTLE, WA - According to sources, Starbucks engineers have almost perfected a cup of coffee half as good as the one at McDonald's. If achieved, Starbucks sales are expected to increase by over 1%.
Starbucks CEO Franklin Buck is reportedly confident that the organization will soon have a pretty good cup of coffee ready for public consumption. Under his direction, engineers have worked tirelessly for the past three years hunting the industry's white whale: coffee that tastes good.
"The one thing we have over [McDonald's] right now is the atmosphere," said Bucks. "No one likes eating here but people love hanging out at Starbucks all day without buying anything. Our two biggest clienteles are failed novelists and transients. Problem is, they don't buy much coffee!"
"It's just not a sustainable business model."
A survey of Starbucks patrons has revealed they would be more likely to buy coffee if it tasted even half as good as the coffee at McDonald's, but that charging over 5 dollars for a cup would be a deal-breaker.
"McDonald's is on almost as many street corners as Starbucks," said Wilma Konifertale, a regular Starbucks restroom user. "I'm just going to go across the street for coffee if they don't change their pricing scheme."
"If I wanted pretentious coffee I'd go to an independent business that doesn't feed into the corporate takeover of America," she added. "And their coffee is even more expensive!"
At publishing time, inside sources at Starbucks have revealed the company is also attempting to reverse engineer the Sausage Egg McMuffin and sell it for $34.00.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
