ATHENS, GA – Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams shocked Americans this week when she insisted we need abortion because "having children is why you're worried about the price of gas." She later followed up her comments by reminding everyone they can reduce their bills to zero by just killing themselves.
"As it turns out, not being alive anymore solves almost all economic problems," said Abrams on Morning Joe. "And if there are fewer people alive, that means fewer mouths to feed and fewer problems in general! I'm very compassionate!"
Abrams' comments have drawn adulation from her supporters, as they are mostly Communists who get very annoyed at the thought of too many people being alive. Some even called for Abrams to add an innovative "bodies-for-gas" proposal to her talking points, with mobile abortion clinics and suicide booths available at all Georgia gas stations for maximum convenience. Other supporters have recommended that Abrams help Georgians struggling with high hospital bills by euthanizing their grandmothers.
"We applaud Stacy Abrams' unwavering commitment to raging against the creator of the universe by destroying human life in pursuit of material goods," said local campaign organizer Lucille Wormwood. "These are the kinds of values Georgians want in public office."
At publishing time, Stacey Abrams had committed to turning Georgia's economy around by implementing a one-child policy.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.