ATLANTA - In what many are calling a long-overdue act of democracy, justice, and equity, Sports Illustrated has honored Stacey Abrams as this year's Swimsuit Edition cover model.
"Despite decades of unfair Abrams-suppression measures, we have finally ascended the pinnacle of what our institution represents: beautiful governors ignoring haters, racists, and meanies," said Sports Illustrated managing editor Gob Dibbons to the press at yesterday's unveiling event for the highly-anticipated magazine issue. Amid cheers for Abrams finally being recognized as a beautiful, powerful governor, several members of the press fainted when Dibbons drew back the black felt curtain to reveal the cover depicting the bombshell Democrat supermodel.
The Washington Post saved money by cribbing their 2020 article "The Power Of Stacey Abrams," which had heaped breathless praise on Abrams: "Pandemonium ensues as she walks…like a runway supermodel, stops on a dime, poses, tilts her head slightly and smiles…Abrams is summoning her inner actress, and she is both enjoying the moment and getting through it to get to the conversation..." Sources confirmed that more of the article couldn't be quoted, as it was causing too many readers to become flushed and out of breath.
Reporters from Fox News claim that Abrams lost the 2018 Georgia Governor's election and is not, in fact, a beautiful governor, but they have had their press passes revoked for spreading hurtful disinformation.
At publishing time, Al Gore had also been honored as People's "Sexiest President Alive," which many are calling a crescendo of long-overdue democracy, justice, and equity.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
